Needs
by Hold.Me.Till.I.Heal
Summary: The Doctor reflects on his life and companions after being told he will die. First Dr.Who Fic :P


If there's one thing the Doctor has learned in his 900-or-so years it's that he can't be alone. He can't bear the thick silence that encases him. He can't bear not having some sort of companionship, not having some one to talk to, to laugh with, to share his life, his adventures with.

He needs some one to hold him back, to tell him when to stop, tell him when he's gone to far. To tell him it'll be ok. To tell him he did the right thing.

And now he is alone again, with his death hanging over his head. He stands only with the faint humming of the TARDIS for company. He won't die, he can't. There's still so much he can do, there's so much he could still show so many people.

There are places he needs to be, there are people he could save, there are civilisations he could rebuild.

He doesn't care that he regenerates, that he doesn't truly die. Because it's not the same. He won't come out of it. He'll lose himself forever. He can't do that to himself.

He can't watch another man walk away. Another man lead his legacy into something different. He doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to die. He can't leave the people he has met, the people he has befriended, the people he has been in love with.

He knows what he will do. He'll travel more, he'll run, he'll keep running until he can't run from it

any more. He'll find an excuse, any, he just won't let himself die.

"It's not fair," he screams and kicks the side of the TARDIS as tears start to streak down his cheeks. He falls to the floor sobbing heavily, hands clutching at his chest. The tears fall so constantly and they don't ever stop. It's been a long time since he's cried like this.

He sits there, crying, until he doesn't know how long he's been there. Slowly he can feel his hearts break into hundreds of tiny pieces. He doesn't like to be alone, no one sits with him telling him he'll be fine. No one tells him he'll find a way out of it. No one holds his hand and gives him the strength he tries so hard not to show he needs. He screams again and cries harder.

Why did it have to be him?

Why did he have to destroy his family, his friends?

Why does he have to be the one who is always left?

Why does he have to watch everyone he has ever known die?

Why has he lost all that means something to him?

Why has the TARDIS been the only thing that has stayed the same?

Shakily he stands, his legs almost giving way not wanting to let himself get up. Not wanting him to move from where he is, not wanting himself to leave. He knows no one will ever see his tears. He doesn't want them to. He doesn't want people to see him like this, no one ever has.

His hand skims the controls, not wanting to touch them. He can't press the buttons he's pressed everyday of his life. He can't do what he has always done. For once the Doctor is scared. He doesn't want to go any where. He doesn't want to step out of his prized ship out of fear. The fear that just outside those doors is his fate, his death, the thing that will silence him forever.

He leans onto the main console, his head bent forward. The tears flow and fall onto the controls. The TARDIS creaks, a mournful sound escaping the old machine. The Doctor sighs his hand resting against the main column, a smile ghosting across his lips.

He taps something into the main console, he doesn't want to go any where he just wants to drift through space. He wants to be away from everything, no one is around, they all have there own lives.

Rose has the human version of himself that he is so jealous of. Martha has Mickey and their getting married, he's pleased for them to a point. Sarah-Jane has a son, Luke, and she's happy she doesn't need him any more. Donna's getting on with her life, she doesn't even know he exists and he knows deep down that its the way it should be. Jack has Torchwood and Ianto, he has something that his immortality helps and he's lucky he has some one who truly loves him.

He doesn't see why he must hurt this way?

He doesn't understand why it is him who must die?

What has he ever done wrong?

When has he ever hurt anyone?

When has he ever done anything less than brilliant?

He moves forwards and towards the main doors the TARDIS. He throws the doors open and stares out into space. Black, forever and absolutely beautiful. He doesn't want to be taken away from this. The beauty of what he grew up with, every galaxy and every planet and every sun.

He stands alone, the soft moaning of the TARDIS engulfs him. A ghost of a smile crosses his lips again, the tears still falling ever so constantly. He leans against the side of the TARDIS looking out into the black eternity of space in front of him. And he never wants to leave, and if he has anything to do with it he won't.


End file.
